A journey down memory lane.

Times in life.

2010-01-19T01:25:00.002+08:00

Lingering thoughts.
Maybe some of them are just following your own path.
Ditch them for good.

You ask me about regret? Let me tell you a few things about regret, my darling. There is no end to it. You cannot find the beginning of the chain that brought us from there to here. Should you regret the whole chain, and the air in between, or each link separately, as if you could uncouple them? Do you regret the beginning which ended so badly, or just the ending itself?

Can anyone answer this?
Haha.. Goodnight.

Hello 2010.

2010-01-01T07:24:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Farewell 2009.

2009-12-31T03:44:00.011+08:00

FINALLY! Its the very last day of the shitty year. Obviously, there's more downs than ups. But no doubt, out of my 21 years of life, this is the most happening year of all time. Lots of issues took place throughout the entire year, right from the very beginning.

Now that this god damn year is coming to an end in less than 24 hours, I've only one particular issue to bring out and its for that one and only particular person who really made a strong impact to my life so far.

" Van, if you happen to read this, I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling right now, as well as sharing with you my sincere thoughts. Let's put the ugly past behind alright? It takes both hands to clap. A fresh new year is coming ahead and that also means a fresh new start in life too. I've moved on and so do you for sure. Hope we can at least be friends once again like before. Simple as that and nothing more. Bury the hatchet and hope you do enjoy a happy 2010 ahead. Take care. "

Goodbye to "The Rev".

2009-12-29T16:56:00.002+08:00

R.I.P to Avenged Sevenfold's drummer, Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan.

Sad case. Great loss to A7X, as he's one of the world's best drummers around.

Just hope A7X won't disband. Sighs..

The Great Christmassacre.

2009-12-25T08:15:00.001+08:00

Its Christmas! One of my favourite festive seasons!

Merry Christmas and a upcoming Happy New year!

Twenty-One.

2009-12-19T17:47:00.001+08:00

Gosh~ I'm 21 already. Time flies as usual. How I wished I was 12 instead of 21. Haha..

Thanks guys for making my 21st birthday a happy and happening one. Love you all!

The weather right now is totally perfect for a hangover. I'm so enjoying it right now. I swear this is the best hangover of my life. :) Happy Birthday.

NSF to NSman. ORD-ED.

2009-12-11T18:40:00.006+08:00

O to the R to the D!!! ORD LOH!!!

I'VE LOTS OF TIME NOW!!!

CHEERS!!! :)

Time is running out.

2009-12-10T14:32:00.000+08:00

24 HOURS TO ORD! OMG!

CHEERS!! :)

SEVEN, HEAVEN.

2009-12-04T16:19:00.001+08:00

EXACTLY 1 WEEK LEFT TO ORD!

CHEERS!! :)

Drawing near.

2009-11-27T19:25:00.001+08:00

EXACTLY 2 WEEKS LEFT TO ORD!

CHEERS!! :)

Counting down.

2009-11-20T16:01:00.000+08:00

EXACTLY 3 WEEKS LEFT TO ORD!

CHEERS!! :)

WHERE GOT TIME?!

2009-11-11T02:59:00.001+08:00

EXACTLY 1 MONTH LEFT TO ORD!

CHEERS!! :)

iPhone!

2009-10-24T16:30:00.000+08:00

THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM! THANKS MOM!

iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG! iPhone 3GS OMG!

32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG! 32GB OMG!

Me, myself and just misread signals.

2009-10-19T02:58:00.009+08:00

After reading your latest post, all I have to say is just 2 words. "Roger that".

You're welcome and I guess I'm taking a short break too.

- "This is reality. One person will not be on the same page."

blessthefall's new album is out! Witness. Those got money please go buy it at music stores! Those no money please go download it! The full album is now out at mininova!

Let's welcome the new lead vocalist, Beau Bokan!

"God Wears Gucci" ROCKS!!!

My answer to your reply.

2009-10-18T03:08:00.007+08:00

Yes and I shall admit. Its true that I like you. In fact, I like you alot. Reason why, I really do admire your characteristics. You're really the kind of girl I yearn to have by my side all along. A person who can motivate and change me to become a better person. But sad to say and I know it myself, I'm not fit to be with someone like you. I'm sorry for bugging you all these while.

Take care.

- Farewell, and may we meet again in happier times.

What I have to say.

2009-10-17T05:57:00.011+08:00

I've loads of time. Too much till I can't think of anything else to keep myself busy other than looking forward to my future plans when I complete my national service. Yes. I'm really looking forward to it. Hopefully life starts to have a 360 degree change from 111209 onwards. Oh lord.. Please. I had enough.

I'm a person who has no pride and I don't give a damn about pride. What is pride? Can it be eaten? Can it earn you a living to survive? Pride is totally nonsense. People want pride just because of the "face" and status. Those are not important to me at all. So what's truely important? Dignity is the answer.

Honestly, I respect what you've said. I don't go against every word you said or meant. You're right in every way and I totally agree. In fact, I'm really thankful and touched by those things you said which are meant for my own good. But if you said that you chose not to ask me what had happened because you thought that I might sink in deeper thoughts and suffer even more, I'm sorry, you're wrong. I would rather you asked me what's the whole damn thing about and have a full understanding of what had happened. It isn't that simple like what you thought or expected. Maybe if you know what had happened, you might look at me in a different way. Probably even have a change of impression on me too. I don't know what your reaction will be, but I will accept your thinking and I definitely won't blame you in any way. All I can say is, I seriously deeply regret on the 1001 things that I did. If you were in my shoes, I guess you might also feel the same way too? Yes. It sure takes a certain period of time to get fully healed. Maybe not fully healed afterall, as time to time the thoughts sure bound to linger around in the mind all of a sudden. It isn't something that you can erase and forget just by a snap of your fingers.

I don't understand why are you treating me differently lately. You turned cold all of a sudden. I don't dare to question you on that as I didn't have the courage to. Maybe I'm too irritating? Or I've said something wrong? Or my actions doesn't suit your preference? I really don't know. If I've offended you in any way, I would like to apologise. I'm really sorry. And if any of the above is true, I will back out immediately. Just treat it as I didn't exist in your life at all. I really don't want to provoke or ruin anything. I believe you're a nice person and I don't wish to contaminate or bring burden into your life.

Lastly, I'm sorry for wasting your time today. I shouldn't had come at all.

Life Goes On.

2009-10-16T03:18:00.002+08:00

Time.
Time is too slow for those who wait.
Too swift for those who fear.
Too long for those who grieve.
Too short for those who rejoice.
But, for those who love.
Time is eternity.

I'll try to catch up to your fast pace, even if you said the world you desire is faraway.

"I can make it through."

Yes and yet another one.

2009-10-13T05:24:00.004+08:00

18/06/09
18/07/09
18/08/09

Cursed by the number, 18.
What can be more coincident than all of that?

Useless, meaningless, physically unsightly. That's me.

Maybe the false signs appeared to be the truth afterall. You'll definitely look at the ugly side of me. Its the fact that it is. Yes, I'm not up for you. Shoot me in the face at point blank and please cast away all the excuses. Avoid and stay free. Thanks and take care.

A stain created in my mind which lasts forever.

2009-10-09T02:54:00.003+08:00

Having trouble sleeping lately, especially in camp. Every single night I can't help it but to stare at the stain which I made on the wall next to my bed coming 4 months ago. Tried cleaning it thoroughly during the area cleaning session but it just can't be removed. Sighs.. The sight of it just makes me sick and it brings back loads of bad memories as well.

The incident just can't leave my mind. It definitely will stay as a memory forever and that's for sure. I just wonder and analyse, why are there such evil people in the world? Really heartless of them. Hate it.

You walked in to my life. But just like that, you walked back out. Still you will be a memory, a bad memory that I have created in my mind. Still you will be a memory. A bad memory that will always be locked, away in my heart and my mind. I will always have a bad memory of you in my heart and I will always carry that hatred picture of you in my mind. Still you will be a memory. A bad memory.

Bless and be blessed.

2009-09-26T23:48:00.000+08:00

I finally got my lazy ass down town today. Can't even remember when was the last time I took a tour around there. Surprised and felt like a mountain turtle, I've realised things around the city had changed so much. Upgrades here and there. And its my first visit to Ion Orchard. -_-" I know I'm lagging behind. Yes, I am. Haha..

Anyway, I'm so happy that my close friends around me who I've neglected them for eons are changing and improving their lives for the better! It feels so nice. Its like getting a fresh start and feeling for everything. Its time to clear the dark clouds and move on! :)

Being covered in the dark during the past, its way too unforgettable. But if effort is made to control your emotions and thinking, good results will definitely be right there waiting for you to obtain it. Life is in so many ways ironic in its very nature. For what we desire the most and perhaps have the most of we find, is that which leaves us the most unfulfilled. I just want a simple life. That's all.

Its like a lump of gold, hard to get, and hard to hold. Of all the ones I've ever met, you're the one I can't forget. I really do believe that.

I can't wait to see you again! :)

Can you leave it all behind? Cause you can't go back.

2009-09-22T14:01:00.007+08:00

Wow! 4 months just flew past just like that since the day I last blogged. Life is full of ups and downs. Yes, I agree. This year wasn't a smooth sailing year for me. Lots of painful issues had happened. That's mainly the reason why I decided to stop blogging for that few months. Blogging it means reading it and I don't wish to read it. Although the painful memories are always swirling inside my head, I've always believed time will re-arrange it someday. Yes, it will. :)

After that few meaningless and foolish attempts, I've began to realise how precious life is. I'm suprised that so much people around me actually do care. I really really do appreciate everyone who has gave me the guidance and concern. It really did help me a lot. I promise you guys that I won't do such foolish attempts ever again. Yup. Its really not worth it to give up a life just for that slut who doesn't know how to appreciate people. Am I right? :D Everyone says "Yes".

Really don't understand why such people do exist. I've guess you finally showed me your true colours and what scheming kind of person you are. Same goes to all your pathetic bunch of friends. Really feel like spitting at all of your faces. Fair weather friends, friends with fake personalities and more.. Anyway its good that you're gone for good. Please don't ever come back. My life is obviously much better without you around. Lastly, to you, I would like to say a big "FUCK YOU" for leaving a never-to-be-cleared mess behind for me to get suck on. Sorry to say, it doesn't bother me anymore. You people are not worth the concern at all. You guys are just pieces of worthless junks.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mending whole was good as new. What is broken is broken and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. What it means to believe in love? It is to accept how vulnerable and unreliable it is. Just to live and believe in that fleeting moment, that love exist. Just hope someone special will reach out her pair of loving hands and pick me up. Hopefully.. Someday..

PASSED, but failed afterall.

2009-05-29T11:34:00.002+08:00

I PASSED MY BTT! But failed my eye test. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK! Can't take PDL for the moment! FUCKING PISSED WITH MYSELF! Fucked up pair of eyes I have!

Nokia E63

2009-05-25T14:47:00.001+08:00

Convenient messaging.

Stay connected.

Share and access.

Easy dial.

NOKIA E63!!

Lotsa Love.

2009-05-24T23:06:00.001+08:00

Little notes. Lovely letters. Pleasing thoughts.

Taken back and forgotten instantly.

2009-05-18T08:07:00.002+08:00

Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say? Doubt so. Its more of like covering up unhappy issues, by the excuse of just using one word. But scars are always left behind after cuts were made. Thoughts and memories are still injected deep into every single brain cell.

We learn how to walk first by falling down. There is no success without failure. Failure is temporary and is only a process to success. Mistakes are made and to be learn from, never to be repeated again. Truly loving someone is giving that person your heart, knowing that its very fragile.

"Felt something missing when you're gone. Forgive and forget. If you're, I'm willing too."

One Last Tear.

2009-05-17T23:30:00.002+08:00

Too often, our cries for help are silent ones. Unheard. Unheeded.

Just let the depression take me, just take me in my sleep.

No longer would I suffer, no longer the grief I keep.

Decipher before triggering.

2009-05-14T21:20:00.001+08:00

What's wrong with those thoughts? What makes the thoughts turn out this way? Please put an end to all of it. Its all for a good cause. I hope it changes for the better and also hope that your listening ears will be present. Seriously, honestly and really.

Opened mind, Opened hearts.

2009-05-13T20:35:00.003+08:00

Its all for you, right there. Just hoping that shell of yours and mine will be more opened to welcomes and greetings.

Shed the hard feelings. Today's the future. Chances were given many times and feelings felt about each other are absolutely true.

Smiles. I love you sweetheart.

I bashed my toe nail for the first time of my life! Hurts like hell and bleeds like crazy! The WHOLE DAMN PIECE of nail has came out. Arghhh! OUCH!!

Fantastic Four.

2009-05-10T19:43:00.001+08:00

4th session completed. Colours up!

Lovers, it stormed.

2009-05-09T23:36:00.003+08:00

Our lips entwined,

your tongue pleading.

Throw your love my way,

and join me on this floor.

Sacred vows of love and life.

2009-04-30T07:27:00.003+08:00

Countless couple cut communication.

Communication cut, cripples courtship.

Continuous communication creates.

Captivating colourful courtship.

"This ceremony is the bond of two souls and the fusion of two lives."

Built a fortress of love.

2009-04-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

Allow an effort to construct, keep building patiently, painstakingly, silently.

Without a word, hoping that you're the right one just for me. No more playing around, seriousness is there. Wants to spend it all with you and to you only.

Ain't getting any younger each day.

Road To Nowhere.

2009-04-25T17:01:00.001+08:00

Tired and lonely still we stand, on a road to nowhere. Trapped in a world of endless days, my engine's stalling. Body and mind are breaking down, on a road to nowhere. Destiny silent, hear no sound, as I wait forever.

Farewell, I'll miss you, I'm sick of these good byes. Cause it tore us apart right from the start, I miss you.

Working Out.

2009-04-11T13:24:00.002+08:00

Hope so too. Make this work. Mean it. Seriously.

LOVE is made, eventually.

PAY ME!

2009-04-10T19:26:00.002+08:00

FINALLY!

ITS PAY DAY!

I NEED MY MONEYYY!

Out and back again.

2009-04-07T19:24:00.002+08:00

To awaken by the light of the sun, gleaming through the window warming my face. The constant gentle breeze from the fan. From above caresses my skin, the smell of spring fills my lungs.

As the chirping of songbirds resound, in this morning to greet all in sight, the sky, clear and blue, begins the day. With the trees, deep in green, that none that can compare.

The family cat, lying on the pillow next to me. Purr softly, adding to nature’s symphony. Oh yes, this will be a good day. All the way...

Cure The Itch.

2009-04-04T18:55:00.003+08:00

Met a thousand. Cried a million. Missed a lifetime.

Hope to see you again. :)

Stupid or Dumb?

2009-04-01T16:35:00.003+08:00

FOOL is the word. Happy April Fool's Day to all FOOLS! :D

A fresh start, a new day.

2009-03-30T01:03:00.002+08:00

I give you a Rose,
A symbol of Romance
For what my heart knows.
The kindled fires to dance.
This is for you.

Thus I give you my Heart.
The symbol of what is me.
For you are my dearest sweetheart,
This is what I was meant to be.
This is for you.

Finally, I give my Love.
The symbol of my soul,
Faithful as a flight of a white dove.
My heart is now complete whole.
This is only for you.

Now I give you my Soul.
The symbol of my commitment,
You fill my heart’s empty hole
That feeds my nourishment.
This is for you.

Let us start afresh for real.

Teenage Moshers.

2009-03-28T23:37:00.002+08:00

Went to catch Misery Signals live today! But the location was quite cocked up. Same goes for the crowd. Its located at a lounge at a community centre! LOL! The crowd is ... speechless. Most of them are young. Secondary school students? Age from 15 to 18? Haha! But overall its quite a not bad gig. Enjoyed it.

Once the last and final is set. There's nothing left to regret. Feelings inside are burning real. Cuts were done and scars were left behind. Let's make this chance go real and lasting.

Cruelty spells Vanessa Chan.

2009-03-27T11:38:00.020+08:00

SLUT, WHORE AND PROSTITUTE. A SLUT is a dirty, slovenly woman. A WHORE is a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money. A PROSTITUTE is a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in a base and unworthy way, usually for money too.

Sad and sorry to say. All 3 of the above totally describes about you, VANESSA CHAN! Besides that, your fucking selfish acts, not self-loving thoughts, making yourself wasted, throwing yourself to guys, pack of lies, being a fucking fake, split personality and fucked up mood swings all moulds up to form a person, who is YOU too! What a fucking wastrel and a SLUT OF THE NATION!

I'm so not proud to say that my ex-girlfriend is a prostitute. In fact, it throws my damn face, really.. Sleeping around with people to earn money? OMG! I feel so blinded to have fallen in love with such a fucking SLUT! This is the day where I finally realised that I've been treated like a fool all along. Giving in like a slave. Being treated like a fucking stray dog. All thanks to you, VANESSA CHAN!

Making a choice, choosing to end this fucking relationship is YOU! After long consideration and holding on, I finally gave in willingly and agreed to your decision. Of course I do not want to end this relationship, because I do really love you a HELL LOT. But I have no other choice but to agree. Its all because I've respected you! I listened to your wants, no matter how fucked up it is. After the break up, holding on to me was YOU again! I did tried to loosen things up and move on like what you fucking say. I tried and forced myself not to text you often. BUT! At the end of the day YOU are the one who texted me. In those text messages, it contents of sweet and loving stuff. It feels as if we didn't break up at all. I was happy and contented. I didn't ask for much, just hoping to maintain the way we're like this. BUT! Everything was a fucking lie and a fucking fake! In the first place, why still hold on to me whereby YOU are the one who chose to end this relationship? Isn't it fucked up? You're fucking pushing and pulling me! Please have a heart, VANESSA CHAN. I bet you fucking don't have one. Because you don't care about anything at all!

Your constant split personality and fucking mood swings really pissed the fuck out of me. First minute you called me hunny, the next minute you called me a jerk. You just come and go as and whenever you like. Am I a toy? Do I look like a entertainer for you? I do have feelings here which you don't! Seriously, I really don't know what the fuck you're thinking all the time. Sick in the mind? Or basically just thinking about sex sex sex? Speaking about sex, these 2 words, "FUCKING WHORE" really totally describes about you. Having sex with old men out there to earn money. WTF AND OMFG! Sometimes I do wonder whether you have some weird diseases in you all along. Sorry to say that. But its normal human thoughts. I'm so afraid that it might have passed on to me. And what to say? Thanks to you again! VANESSA CHAN! After our break up, you met me for chit chats. But ended up, you forced me for sex. I didn't want it, you know it yourself. The way you behaved just leave me no choice but to satisfy your FUCKING SEX CRAVINGS. I felt being used and damned. I felt like I'm here all along is just to satisfy you, being a dog for you, being scolded and treated like a fucking slave and most fucked up of all, I have to endure all your fucking nonsense most of the time. All I've cared and concerned, this is what I get in return. Thanks for the sleepless nights you gave to me for these past 4 months. Thanks for the constant worrying and tension you gave me as well. It just feels so thrilling to be with you. THANKS A HELL LOT! FUCK OFF AND DIE! VANESSA CHAN! SLUT OF THE NATION!

Why this once love has became a buring hatred now? Ask yourself this question. The answer lies within you. You brought this up, you pushed me to my limits and forced me to behave like this. I hate it. But you leave me with no choice but to turn out this way. Sorry is always what you said to me after things happened. SERIOUSLY! FUCK YOUR FUCKING SORRIES! This word has no meaning anymore a fucking long time ago. I've been hearing this fuck word a thousand and one times! You think one simple "SORRY" will let you escape and forget? FUCK YOU! You are so fucking selfish! All you cared is only about your fun and playing. I've finally realised what kind of cruel person you are. You've just proved your fucking self to me. Just some pointers to inform you, STOP VICTIMISING INNOCENT HEARTS with YOUR CRUELTY AND LIES! Retribution does exists and its there to get you anytime. Lastly, YOU'RE MY WORST MEMORY AND MY GREATEST MOTHERFUCKING REGRET!

Detroit Metal City.

2009-03-26T21:20:00.005+08:00

WATCHED DMC TODAY! Damn entertaining and funny! Check out the anime too! Krauser rocks and hail to all Death Metal bands!

Finally got my SONICGEAR Ear Pump!

Glossy Black. :)

Period One.

2009-03-21T23:44:00.001+08:00

Seconds of pleasure with a pinch of luck. A lifetime of relieve instead of a lifetime of regret. Good to hear and pleasant to carry on. Be safe, not sorry.

Peace to all. Love is here to stay.

Remembered & Noted.

2009-03-19T00:27:00.003+08:00

Because we or I had feared and we wished or wanted to take the easier way out, this is the price of Love. Staying. Such fools we are.

Xoxo.

2009-03-18T01:02:00.000+08:00

See you soon! Wo Hai Ai Ni! Hug. (How sweet can it be? :D)

Coming SOON.

2009-03-17T21:02:00.002+08:00

Watched "Coming Soon" at AMK Hub. It was my first time that I've set foot there. Fucking "Ah Beng Haven" please.. The movie was superb. Excellent storyline! Have never seen a horror movie with this kind of concept. Double thumbs up! For information, its the same director of "Shutter" and "Alone". Best horror flicks that I've ever seen. For those who haven't watched it and are horror fans, PLEASE DO GO AND CATCH IT! This movie will scare you from the second you step inside the movie theatre. SERIOUSLY..

You guys will know what I meant after watching it. Heh heh..

The Missing Someone.

2009-03-16T02:02:00.003+08:00

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you.

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. All days are nights to see till I see thee, and nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me. Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.

Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.

- Vanny, I miss you.

3rd session completed. 4th coming soon.

Over and over again.

2009-03-12T05:42:00.002+08:00

Yet again. Once again. Expected again.

Break my fall.

2009-03-06T21:14:00.002+08:00

Scenery at the top of a cliff is beautiful. Yes, you said that. Brought me up there together, hand in hand. Yes, you did that.

When I'm at the top, feeling all captivated, all I know next, was a hard push by you. Falling was expected. Yes, I fell. But it felt like a free fall. Seems like it never ends. Time to time, I'm just stucked in mid air. Waiting..

Finally, the end is here, I landed. My aftermath results, left broken, dishearten and most of all, fucked up. Leaving me to die is all you can do. Leaving me in confusion is all you can do. Leaving me to suffer in your own selfishness is all you can do.

Please.. Please spare a tiny thought for me will you? I just can't hold on any longer.

Why again?

2009-03-05T14:10:00.004+08:00

Why why? WHY??? Why the fuck is this happening again? I've thought we have settled down and solved everything. Why the fuck someone has to interfere with us? Fucking untrue nonsense stuff and being accused for nothing just hurt my heart so much. Why all these quarrelling has to happen again? Can't we just cool off and make peace? The words you said to me are way too hurting. I just don't understand what's going on around you and happening to you. What are you thinking of? What do you want? Can you just let me know? Suddenly you came saying, Darling, I love you, I missed you. I wanna kiss you when I see you. I wanna hug you. Bla bla bla.. The next minute you came saying, fuck you, fuck off, you bastard asshole jerk, I really really don't like you anymore, you don't matter to me, you are really driving me insane, just go away please. Bla bla bla.. WHY?! WHY LIKE THIS?! Your constant coming and going just makes me feel so lost, confused and hurt.

Everything's happening in all of a sudden. I really couldn't take it anymore. I slept happily and soundly yesterday. But waking up with a hell lot of worries and problems. I'm tired.. I'm really tired. Why can't we just maintain ourselves like yesterday's? I'm so contented and happy yesterday, do you know that? Please.. I'm in camp and hearing all these problems just makes me even harder to control my pain and misery. Problems cooked up constantly and I'm restricted by army stuff because I have to stay in. The feeling is totally fucked up. This is an issue that no female can understand it. Not even my own mom. Try serving NS, then you can personally know how it feels.

Please.. Just treat it as I beg you. Can we get back on track like yesterday? Just friends who show love and care. I don't wish to quarrel anymore. If I've offended you in anything I'm sincerely sorry. Just treat it as from the start, I've failed and I'm the one who caused everything. If we can be like what we're yesterday, just blame it all on me right now. I'm sorry. Sorry for everything.

- Vanessa, I miss you.

Moving out on time.

2009-03-04T11:16:00.003+08:00

"DEARIE, i love you still!" These 5 words that I've recieved from you today has just made my day a fantastic one. Its like seeing all the dark clouds disappearing and followed by a rainbow hanging up high in the sky. I'm more than happy once again to reply you that I've loved you all along and I really do mean it. Even though we're just friends right now.

Seeing the text messages you sent today just makes me happy and forgetting about the unhappy issues from the past. I wished we would carry on like this, and like what you've said. We're friends. :) I'm trying to move on. Yes, I am.

If I were to come up with a summary about this relationship, I'm eager to say that I've learnt alot, changed alot and thought alot. Thank you Vanessa. I'm very pleased to have met you. :)

- Vanessa, I miss you.

Heartbroken Tears.

2009-03-03T13:39:00.005+08:00

It feels like I've cried a thousand nights and still counting. My life has been a living dead ever since you were gone. I really wanna hold you tight. A chance is all that I can wish for now. I'm deeply sorry about the shoutings, the vulgar words and the threatening stuff. If I were to be brought down by the bullet as a punishment and you'll forgive me. I won't hesitate. Please.. give me a sign.

- Vanessa, I miss you.

Looking back in time.

2009-03-02T23:46:00.005+08:00

I didn't get it did i? The full extend of time. How long and how much is years? Yes it hit. Measuring time to age and I tell myself not to look down at what I'm wearing and who I've become. It's not that I'm growing old I just refuse to grow up and let go. Or simply, just move on that I must say. Its all too sudden to accept.

I lived on songs that created portals to bring me through time to the girl that I was and the shadow of what you were. That was how I did it to put you on replay and I on hold. The room, different times. Alcohol didn't work nor the smoke to clear the haze. Rather I saw you clearly for the first time. Closer to the grave you don't remember me or why I was there. I miss the ghost of our youths. Too many times we've died there.

More of I've missed the times we shared and the love we gave. The million tears that I've shed. The scar you've left behind. Its all linked up to form this unforgettable memory.

- Vanessa, I miss you.

Flying Kites.

2009-02-28T21:56:00.002+08:00

I thought about something while flying the kite. In time to come, we don't need them to come back anymore. Their shadows that we would cling on will see us through.

Just like that, moving on creeped in. Without you, not accepting felt easier and safe. But now to acknowledge that you did finally after years feels just like running with the wind while the kite soars. Or running and feeling that it is done. It is finally over. Straight and fast out of the labyrinth. I choose it and we choose it. And even being in the same room didn't matter. History didn't repeat. Seeing clearly for the first time happened. Smoking out the window to see for myself what was out there that you didn't see, knew that you will never see.

Never mind that you won't see. But thank you for leading me back to the start where I fell. The fall was so beautiful that I allowed to be blind by your light. It's not you, it was me that made you beautiful. Credits to Joy.

- Vanessa, I miss you.

The Vanriel Breakup.

2009-02-27T03:33:00.003+08:00

Why things have turned out this way? Why? "Why" is the word that explains my feelings right now. I'm so lost, confused, frustrated, upset and lastly, heartbroken. What is it that made things turn out like this all of a sudden? Have I failed? Maybe I've. So is this relationship all along fake? I'm hoping its not. Please give me an answer. Please stay, don't go.

- Vanessa, I miss you.

Down with the sickness.

2009-02-25T15:28:00.003+08:00

Supposed to head down to darling's house to have dinner with her parents. But the fever was getting in the way. Damn! I'm feeling so unwell. Darling, I miss you! :( Sorry that I can't make it to your place tonight. Sighs..

Plans for a makeover?

2009-02-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

Went down to IKEA with songbird today. Wahaha! We haven't met each other for more than a year already! My god, time pass so fast. Oh ya.. today's the day where I found out where's the IKEA nearby Tampines and there's a free service bus to take us there too. I feel like a loser now. I didn't even realise that there's an IKEA here!!! WTF!!! All thanks to songbird, now that I know. :D

IKEA rocks the house ya. Hell lot of fucking nice furnitures. I've got plans to get a canvas curtain, a long hanging shelf and a long mirror. Hell yeah for the next payday. MARCH FASTER COME LAH! I WANT MY PAY!

Zoukies!

2009-02-21T18:10:00.002+08:00

Wee! Finally had a chance to hang out with my camp mates! And its clubbing! I've just realised, after knowing them for so long, its my first time heading to the club with them! Hahaha! Sorry guys! Today will be a make up for all the outings that I've missed. Lets party tonight and have fun! :D

Sneak the Silence.

2009-02-20T23:45:00.003+08:00

HAHA! Darling sneaked in once again. :) Almost got caught! But it was a close shave. HAHA! Luckily lucky luck.

Spell the word, FUCK.

2009-02-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

Wasted the whole fucking morning and afternoon rotting the fuck out at home. Seriously, its damn fucking boring to stay the fuck in at home. Listening to my mom's constant fuck nagging makes my fucking ears bleed the fuck out.

Finally got the fuck out in the evening, had dinner outside and chill till late. I went home, stepping outside the fucking front door. It was fucking locked as usual and fucking guess what, I forgot to bring my fucking keys. I pressed the fucking door bell, it was fucking spoilt, I knocked the fucking door, there was no fucking answer, I banged the fucking door and the gate, again there was still no fucking answer, I called the fucking house phone, it was fucking engaged, I called my mom's fucking handphone, it was fucking switched off, I called my sister's fucking handphone, it was fucking switched off as well. Fuck!

I waited outside my own fucking house and waited like a fucking dog and finally came to a fucking decision. The fucking decision was to go straight back to camp and sleep the fuck out. Luckily the next day was fucking 8 to 5 training day. If it was my duty day, I may as well kill my own fucking self.

FUCKING FUCKED UP DAY!

Valentined by Valentine's.

2009-02-14T23:15:00.005+08:00

What it means to believe in love? It is to accept how vulnerable and unreliable it is. Just to live and believe in that fleeting moment, that love exist. Though there will be lots of imperfections, arguements, shoutings, and hate. But it is the not giving up, spirit of holding on, staying and remaining that is counted as love. That makes love, show love. :)

Wishing a Happy Valentine's Day to my sweetheart! I LOVE YA! You're the first ever girl that I've done so much for Valentine's Day. Must feel honoured hor! Heh heh heh.. I'm more than happy to say that I've enjoyed the times spent together with you and I REALLY(x 100) like the A|X watch you bought for me! WOOO! \m/ Thank you dear!

Take it to Taka.

2009-02-12T23:40:00.002+08:00

Hope is all good. :) Everything's planned and prepared. All the best!

Get Cinema Cosy.

2009-02-11T23:53:00.003+08:00

Wee! Finally got to watch "Rise of the Lycans" with my darling! Was damn looking forward to it. :) The movie was damn cool as it featured more on Lucian! Lucian rocks man! I wished I was a Lycan. Haha.. Thumbs up for the movie!

Liquor Rush.

2009-02-08T08:51:00.002+08:00

Spent the whole god damn day wondering where to go and when night falls the decision was finally made for that birthday boy, Dave. I haven't been clubbing for at least 6 to 7 months due to the fucked up 2-1 schedule FDS made. Now that the chance is here! Finally! We went down to Powerhouse in the end and had Martell! 60 bucks per person for 2 bottles shared among 5 people. Worth it and its pretty cheap! It was really liquor rushing. We finished the first bottle around 30 minutes and the second bottle we downed it within 15 minutes! That was freaking fuck fast! Everyone was tipsy and drunk after that. But it was fun though. It was my first time seeing Dave puking in front of me. Hahaha! Damn funny. After all that partying, we settled down at Simpang for breakfast and called it a day. :)

Long Weekends.

2009-02-06T15:22:00.000+08:00

L O V E the long weekend. E N J O Y the long weekend. S A V O U R the long weekend!

Meet the parents session.

2009-02-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

HAHA! Met darl's parents today for the first time. :) Had kimchi made by her mom and drank booze with her dad. LOL! It was a fun experience though. Last but not least, HAPPY 3RD MONTH!

Sudong Manning!

2009-01-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

Today's the start of Sudong Manning! And I'm on OFF! What a great start! Wish everyone in FDS a Happy Sudong Manning! ITS PARTY TIME FOR THE WEEKENDS! Hell yeah!

Hardstyle, booze & shades.

2009-01-28T23:10:00.002+08:00

2nd session done! 3 more to go! The shading process feels less pain than the outline. But the aftermath of shading hurts. It feels like you're having an abrasion. Haha. Its the 3rd day of the lunar new year! Though I didn't went for visiting at all this year, red packets are still collected for me! Thanks mum! :D Woo! Time to count the cash!

HAPPY 牛 YEAR!

2009-01-25T23:10:00.003+08:00

The lunar new year is here once again! On the 1st and 2nd day of chinese new year I'm in camp! How cool and celebrating is that?! Luckily I get to spend my reunion dinner outside. Really fuck FDS man. But not to worry! SUDONG MANNING IS BACK! Its party time! LONG WEEKEND!

Booking out on the 3rd day of chinese new year and its session no.2! Sakura flowers and branches coming up next!

Vault Rebels.

2009-01-22T12:48:00.004+08:00

Haven't been blogging for quite sometime. Reason behind that? I'M CONFINED AGAIN! Yeah, and it happened last week. No more signing on Super Gate. Fuck! FUCK PCS & FDS!

Went shopping for the past 2 days. Spent quite a bomb and I kinda regret now. $400 worth of clothes! Goodness, its my very first time that I spent so much on clothes in such a short period of time. Blame it on the nice stuff selling nowadays. I'm fucking in love with the pair of boots from Dr. Martens! Worth the buy! Thanks to Ed~! :)

Heading to town later with the Bravo guys, and its book in time AGAIN! Preparation for audit! I've got a slight feeling that I'll serve SOL again. Ni nah beh chao cheebye! Fuck FDS!

The words sting.

2009-01-10T10:15:00.007+08:00

Disappointment flows through my body, like the dirty waters of the Nile. Once thought you were a good friend, perhaps a good lover in the future. But now I wasn't quite sure where we would end. Your love is sharp. No longer warm. Heart felt it pretty much. In hopes that you will know, my heart is troubled deeply.

Death and Destruction. Sorrow and Despair. Secrets of body lie, lusts away from trusts. Honestly, I'm angry at what you made me believe. But my heart and my mind chose not to, as I really love you so. Hidden within the shadows, there is no light. As your door is ledged closed, its impossible for me to reach out and give you a helping hand. It feels as if I'm knocking and beating on death doors. Issues can't be solved when a person doesn't put in any effort to help him or herself. Tested and proven.

Hurt is there. You've hurt me more than you know. My hurt feelings, I don't really show. All because I just wanted to salvage this relationship. Simple as that. I've always believed in forgive and forget in a relationship. Cross my heart and swear that. But mistakes just keep on repeating. The words spilled out from your mouth hurts and stings my heart. What's the meaning of all these things that you've said to me? Have you ever considered how would I feel after listening to all these hurtful stuff? Please spare me a tiny weeny thought will you? I do really hope you could change your ways. At least try to make an effort. I can't endure this for too many more days. Exhaustion and the episodes of stress are wearing me out. Last but not least, I still love you so. My sweetheart.

1st Tattoo.

2009-01-08T21:06:00.001+08:00

I bet year 2009 will be filled with loads of excitement and surprises. Best excitement of all, ORD year is here! 11 fucking months more and hell yeah! I'm gone for good. Surprises are still on hold. But I can feel them coming real soon.

Finally got my first session done at 1st Tattoo! First tattoo done at 1st tattoo. Meaningful huh? Haha. The pain was cool. The outline felt like a penknife being drag across my skin. Aww... yeah... It was endurable though. :)

Here's the piece of art that I'm inking on. Geisha.

And here's freedom, once again.

2009-01-03T05:58:00.002+08:00

Awww.. yeahhh.. I'm finally out! The price of freedom is steep. Fuck it man! Its time for enjoyment at Alvie's 21st birthday party tonight!

My 20th.

2008-12-19T12:51:00.003+08:00

Old already lah. The No.2 digit is officially out. Happy Birthday! Say goodbye for 2 weeks. SOL is on the run, starting from tomorrow. FUCK DOG SHIT! FDS!

SOL.

2008-12-17T12:46:00.002+08:00

Fuck man. Best birthday gift ever. 14 days SOL. Nice. Love it.

This sinking feeling never dies.
I'll chase my sunset laced with pride in this heartless gallion.

Autumn Abstraction.

2008-12-14T23:13:00.003+08:00

A journey down memory lane. Walking alone in the autumn, waiting for the coming of winter that reminds the author of someone special.

Small pieces of nature cover the ground what it all reminds me of the veins of a maple leaf reaching out hugs that tell me all I need to know. Rain the falls without a doubt crying for me, when all my happiness goes, winds carry leaves away keeping me and troubles far apart falling into fall in this day reminds me how you have my heart.

I've left behind sun yellow and sky blue still this season is the only one that will always remind me of you. :)

I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT GEISHA DONE! INK TIME!

Bring down this load.

2008-12-12T02:00:00.002+08:00

Betrayed, security.. fails. Commitment, prove shown.. lies. Forgiveness, giving in.. trust.

It's 121208! EXACTLY ONE YEAR TO ORD!!! The countdown starts now.

A vile passion.

2008-11-29T16:23:00.001+08:00

So here I stand, breathless, waiting for nothing. Peer into my chest. See if, this things still ticking.

Another victim, to that power that no one gave you. Standing all alone, I've realised I'm not giving up.

The first time this touched me, I became, an invention called zero. So as I walk from this earth, I'm taking you with me.

My Razorblade Romance.

2008-11-23T18:37:00.000+08:00

Love, like a river, will cut a new path, whenever it meets an obstacle.

She Loves Me.

2008-11-15T19:12:00.000+08:00

You started to grow, the Authorities wouldn’t learn. I knew in my heart, I’d carry you full term. That place that I left you was busy by day. I knew you’d be found, I planned it that way. I watched from a distance, I kept you in sight. Your cries broke my heart, the tears blocked my sight.

I watched you that year, for I had a plan. A mother would come from a distant land. Yes, my darling, though oceans apart. A red thread connects us, a thread from my heart. She loves me like you, the best one could find. It's comes from my heart, straight back to you.

I Love You.

A trip to the Zoo.

2008-11-09T23:19:00.003+08:00

Woah! It has been a long long time since I last went to the Zoo. If I'm not wrong, Primary 6 was my last trip. Fucking ages ago ya and finally the chance is here! Best of all, I went there together with a very special person to me right now. Haha.. Had such a wonderful time at the Zoo with my beloved Vanny! And we took lots of pictures as well! :) Bet that this will be the one of the best memories experienced so far. LOVE YOU SWEETHEART!

TASTE OF CHAOS Live In Singapore @ DXO.

2008-11-08T23:49:00.007+08:00

The tasting of chaos in progress.

This is the one and only concert of the year 2008! A Vacant Affair (AVA) opened the stage with some kick ass hardcore. As I Lay Dying's vocals and crowd response was superb while Story of the Year's stage performance was very very entertaining.

Its a very good thing afterall to hold the concert at DXO. Because of the small and compact area over there, it makes us able to catch the band members up close when they are leaving after the concert ends! Guess what? We've got signatures and loads of pictures with the bands! THAT'S FUCKING COOL SHIT! \m/

I've tasted CHAOS.

My girlfriend. :)

2008-11-02T21:53:00.000+08:00

I LOVE YOU VANESSA! HUGS & KISSES!

Kiss & Tell.

2008-11-01T21:31:00.000+08:00

I felt a drunken kiss today. HAHA! :D

Walk me down this pleasant pedestrian lane.

2008-10-30T22:01:00.002+08:00

Here we are again! Went to watch Max Payne today! The movie was quite crappy but the companion was superb! :) Had a simple dinner at the void deck after that. Its the void deck man! Cool stuff. Haha! Best of all! I met little Dory! So noisy but still cute lah. :) Good day!

Sweets for my Sweet.

2008-10-27T23:20:00.000+08:00

It has been ages since I had this feeling and now that its here once again. :) HAPPY HAPPY! Today was a very pleasant one. I've really really enjoyed the moments spent together. Best of all, we conquered almost the whole of Sentosa by foot! Haha! Sounds retarded but it was quite fun though. :) Great experience after my last visit to Sentosa, which was 6 years ago? Freaking long..

I miss you! When will I get to see you again? Hopefully soon ya. :)

Avenged Sevenfold Live In Singapore @ Max Pavilion.

2008-10-24T23:47:00.000+08:00

A7X! Ahhh... Venue was great, but the performance expectation wasn't there. Most of the songs they played are new ones and they didn't mingle with the crowd that much. As every A7X fan knows that the new album isn't that up to our standard. "Waking The Fallen" is still the BEST!! A7X! Please go back to the past!

Moshing was fantastic. Crowd was good. MOSHING WITH THE ANG MOHS ROCKS! \m/

A lifetime memory.

2008-10-14T15:33:00.001+08:00

A lifetime memory. A mind-blowing experience. A laughing matter to joke about. I swear it lies within the one's self heart and the one and only eye-witness who is present. Haha! You know what I'm talking about. Eye-witness. My first encounter.

Record breaking! I've slept for 18 and a half hours during my response duty day! And its also the first time I did escort duty for the past 4 months at shift side. My very first escort. HAHAHA!

Moral of the story. AF1 = Relac Jack

Goodbye Yokomo. Finally...

2008-10-09T15:26:00.002+08:00

Awww yeahhh... Yokomo finally sold and the cash is in my wallet. Its about time to take a long break. :)

Last Year.

2008-10-01T02:50:00.000+08:00

"1st of October. Memory of the bells that the chapels sound last month was a sweet one." Familiar sentence? It was typed out last year on the month of October. Time flies man. Freaking one year ago, and it feels just like a blink of an eye. 1 year and 2 months to ORD. Please make it quick. I really can't wait to head back to school.

Mission Accomplished.

2008-09-30T20:24:00.002+08:00

Finally, the perfect time has come. The hard times for 2 and a half months that I've endured quietly. This is the moment that I've been waiting for all this while. Its here, its finally here. The results are totally fruitful. Thanks a million to my spy buddy. :)

City Of Evil.

2008-09-27T14:00:00.000+08:00

GOH's first training for me today. It felt good. Praying hard that I pass the selection test!

Time for a back track.

AVENGED SEVENFOLD's Seize The Day.

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then continues in the background]
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home

Final Mod, the sound blasting machine.

2008-09-24T22:43:00.002+08:00

Speaker mod done! All mods completed.

Stops and stares. Makes a wave and depart eventually with a thought of regret.

A pinch of luck.

2008-09-18T14:39:00.000+08:00

ZEN Vision M's warranty died on this date but good news is that my R2 chassis has finally sold away! 300 bucks babe! Nicely placed in my phat wallet. Heh heh.. Shells are next to go and I'm ready for the ipod classic. Can't wait to lay my hands on that music machine!

Seen the light?

2008-09-09T23:39:00.002+08:00

Vision M software updated. Trigger lightings done up. Analog nub button changed. Finally tasted the bullet pepper steak. What's next? :)

1 down. 2 more to go.

2008-09-06T22:52:00.003+08:00

The first extra is down. Two more to go. Its my very first time tasting straight 8 hours of duty. Its totally fucked up. I just can't wait for the GOH selection. I'm gonna escape this dog life for good.

Back to track.

2008-09-03T15:43:00.001+08:00

Confinement week is finally over! Kinda feels no kick at all. Thanks to the help out during RSAF Day. 3 extras to go. Sighs..

You made my day, today, classic.

2008-08-22T23:13:00.005+08:00

Went to catch 'Death Race' today. Fucking awesome movie. I just wished that I've one of those cars and I swear I will fucking kill OC. Fuck him hard ya. The burning hate for him grows stronger day by day. Fuck!

Anyway, next week onwards, tough times are here. 2 1 manning is out. Plus my freaking confinement and 3 extras. Damn it. When will the tough times end? We are not too sure as well. Most probably during the month of June next year? Still long way to go...

The wind sails over the water's surface..
Quietly, but surely

The price of freedom is steep.

2008-08-19T11:55:00.003+08:00

My soul, corrupted by vengeance. Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey, in my own salvation and your eternal slumber.

Even if the morrow is barren of promises. Nothing shall forestall my return. To become the dew that quenches the land. To spare the sands, the seas, the skies. I offer thee this silent sacrifice.

The Prologue.

2008-08-18T23:56:00.000+08:00

When the war of the beasts brings about the world's end. The goddess descends from the sky. Wings of light and dark spread afar. She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting.

The infinite mystery. The gift of the goddess is what the three men seek. But their fates are scattered by war. One becomes a hero, one wanders the land and the last is taken prisoner. But the three are still bound by a solemn oath to seek the answer together, once again.

Though the prisoner escapes, he is gravely wounded. His life is saved, however by a woman of the opposing nation. He begins a life of seclusion with her. Which seems to hold the promise of eternal bliss. But as happiness grows, so does guilt of not fulfilling the oath to his friends.

As the war sends the world hurtling towards destruction. The prisoner departs with his newfound love and embarks on a new journey. He is guided by hope that the gift will bring bliss and the oath that he swore to his friends. Though no oath is shared between the lovers. In their hearts they know they will meet again.